i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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