I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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