Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
