It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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