Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
