Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
