you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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