I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize