It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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