Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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