I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
