We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
BRING THE BAGELS
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
