you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
