i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
