and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
