all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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