Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
