I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
