I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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