Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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