im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
