people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
