On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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