Pregnant stripper...not hot.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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