Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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