Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
