now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
