Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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