hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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