i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
