I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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