News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
