This is not my ceiling
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize