What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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