Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
