Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
