My first STD was from a foam party
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
