Tell her she can't have a vagina
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize