great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
