You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
