i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
