I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You're like the curious george of whores
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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