Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
