I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
