i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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