Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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