I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
