Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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