She's JV to your varsity
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
