There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
