I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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