He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
