And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
