Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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