he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
