Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
