My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
