dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize