Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well you can't waste a boner
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
