Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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