I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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