watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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