My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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